Thursday, April 15, 2010

Blooming.

Spring has arrived. My soul is blooming.

For so long my soul has searched for meaning. Searched "worldly" relationships for the promise of eternal satisfaction only to be left emotionally empty. And exhausted.

Once withered, my spirit has uncovered unfaltering nourishment. Jesus Christ.

It all began on a Southern Baptist pew at the ripe age of seven. I accepted Jesus in to my heart and received a small cross pendent that revealed the "Lord's Prayer" when exposed to direct light. Yet somewhere in my 17-year journey that light faded. I began to question myself, my world, my God. Only turning to Him when life got too difficult to handle on my own and I needed to know He was still in the shadows. Little did I know He was always lurking. Waiting for His chance to reclaim what was once rightfully His. My heart.

One night, not too long ago, I was sitting alone and I became restless. For some time I have been searching. Searching for someone or something that could fulfill the emptyness that was left over after the love I felt for my son had claimed it's stake. For four years that hole had been filled with the need and desire to "take care" of P's father. Which was never a healthy love; nor was I a "healthy" person to love.

Never the less, I began to pray. Hard.

The next day, the 6 disc cd player in my car died, forcing me to listen to the radio. I stumbled upon KLove and the topic of conversation was "taking time with God". The challenge was to set aside 15 minutes of your day to speak with God through devotion. My world changed.

I am now rebuilding the relationship I have with God which has been one-sided for so long. He has always loved me, but I haven't had the strength to love Him in return. I was so blinded by the Liar that I thought the relationship I had with God was enough. It was sustainable.

I was wrong.

The bible study I began tonight is titled "My Bangs Look Good and Other Lies I Tell Myself." I felt as though I needed to start with a bible study that reintroduced me to my God and taught me the truth about the Truth.

Lie #1. God is out to get me.
Truth #1. God is out to get me because He loves me.

God wants to wrap us in His love. When we stray from the fold He pursues us out of love. Not out of wrath.

"Jesus is not here to break us down. He knows we are already broken. He wants to lift us up. With His grace. With His joy. With His truth." (Susanna Aughtmon)

I was broken. I am still broken. But because He first loved me, I am blooming.
Amen.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Protecting my investment.

Wow.

I have successfully neglected my blog for months now. Either out of the lack of spare time or the fear of what it is I would express under the amount of stress I have encountered since March. The latter seems more likely than the former.

I never thought at age 23 I would be a single mother. I always had dreams of the big, white wedding with the man who I would love for the rest of my life followed by the addition to our perfect family.

I guess it is true that God laughs while we are busy making plans of our own.

I always wanted to be a mother, though. My mom always says when I was little, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say, "A mommy." Needless to say, I love my son. And now that he has entered this world, regardless of the circumstances, I couldn't imagine my life without him. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Though months prior to this post I feared that being a mother would be my hardest task, it has proven false. Being a mother comes naturally. I will always strive for what is best for my son. The heavier burden is wondering if the actions I am taking will alter his happiness in any way. I never want him to hurt, or feel pain. I would rather take the brunt of anger than to have him suffer, and trust me. Lately, there has been plenty of anger.

The most significant detail of being a single mother that I seemed to have overlooked is the role of the absent father. Or the non-custodial parent. It seems that none of the decisions I continue to make appease him. All I truly want for my son is consistency. I don't feel that is too much to ask for, but it is when the other party continues to lack accountability; however, I am not here to cut down anyone's character. Price's father is a good man. And I know he has all the potential to be a good father. But the balance faulters. I have been a mother since September 17, 2008; the day I learned my little nudger exsisted. I admit, if I had not been souly responsible for the life inside me it would have been hard for me to adapt as well, but how am I supposed to trust that this relationship will not become a relationship of convenience. I am "protecting my investment", so to speak, and in the process I have made some hard decisions. I neither appologize nor regret the choices I have made, but that doesn't make the backlash any sweeter.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
James 1:2-3

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Facade-lift.

As each day is changing my perspective on life, instances that were once important become so trivial. I enjoy spending more time with myself, which I never thought possible. I thought I needed to be showered with attention. Constant attention; which has caused a rift in the relationship between Price's father and I, but I realize now that counting on myself is the best way to gain internal strength. Strength I will surely need becoming a mother.

My false impression of being pregnant has only provided me a crutch with which I have been dependent on for the past few months. Just like every women's body reacts to pregnancy differently, so the nature of that same pregnancy exsists differently in relation to the lifestyle of the mother. Many women may cling to their relationship they form with their husband or significant other, I have made it a point to focus on the relationship I have with myself.

During the next week many of my friends will be packing up their suitcases and coolers to prepare for the break. Much like my classmates who are preparing to make the trip to Panama City or Destin for Spring Break, I am counting down the days until I will make the road trip to be with my family in Missouri. My sister-in-law, Anna Jayne, who is also pregnant, will provide the perfect escape from a world where I am a constant outcast.

It is almost as if my mind is becoming consumed with thoughts of being a mother. Being with Anna allows me the opportunity to talk about motherhood with someone who will experience the joy very soon after I welcome my little one in to this world; being with my mother allows me the opportunity to talk about motherhood with someone who has been a wonderful mother for the last 28 years of her life. Through building a relationship with myself it has become evident that the support system that my parents and family provide is of utmost importance.

I believe that Price knows when he is surrounded by love and the unconditional affection my family gives me is in direct relation to the love he will be born in to.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Post numero uno.

"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone."
- Author Unknown

I truly am never alone, as Price often reminds me between the hours of 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. I find it hard to sleep these days. Less than 3 months until my due date and I'm not certain what each day holds in store; a new adventure with each coming sunrise. As the day draws nigh I find myself growing more and more anxious...the excitement of bringing a new life in to the world is not only frightening but beautiful. I don't think any woman is ever fully prepared to be a mother, but when the moment arrives and I see his face I have faith all the anxiety will subside.

I never saw being an unwed mother-to-be at 23 years old as a point on my lifes' atlas. I never thought I would face so many of the aspects of pregnancy alone or in a college setting, but I have come to realize that this is my testimony. God has a reason and a plan for everything. He would never present me with a situation I can't handle and I trust His plan. I only wish I didn't attract the negative glances when I walk in to a classroom. It seems that people are quick to judge and discount their own actions. I use to be guilty of the same, but I now realize that if you are having pre-marital sex, there is nothing stopping you from being me except...well, timing. And Plan B.

But I forgive those ignorant people who jump to conclusions because I deserve to be forgiven for my ignorance. Your stares and your finger pointing no longer have an effect on me.