Protecting my investment.

Wow.

I have successfully neglected my blog for months now. Either out of the lack of spare time or the fear of what it is I would express under the amount of stress I have encountered since March. The latter seems more likely than the former.

I never thought at age 23 I would be a single mother. I always had dreams of the big, white wedding with the man who I would love for the rest of my life followed by the addition to our perfect family.

I guess it is true that God laughs while we are busy making plans of our own.

I always wanted to be a mother, though. My mom always says when I was little, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say, "A mommy." Needless to say, I love my son. And now that he has entered this world, regardless of the circumstances, I couldn't imagine my life without him. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Though months prior to this post I feared that being a mother would be my hardest task, it has proven false. Being a mother comes naturally. I will always strive for what is best for my son. The heavier burden is wondering if the actions I am taking will alter his happiness in any way. I never want him to hurt, or feel pain. I would rather take the brunt of anger than to have him suffer, and trust me. Lately, there has been plenty of anger.

The most significant detail of being a single mother that I seemed to have overlooked is the role of the absent father. Or the non-custodial parent. It seems that none of the decisions I continue to make appease him. All I truly want for my son is consistency. I don't feel that is too much to ask for, but it is when the other party continues to lack accountability; however, I am not here to cut down anyone's character. Price's father is a good man. And I know he has all the potential to be a good father. But the balance faulters. I have been a mother since September 17, 2008; the day I learned my little nudger exsisted. I admit, if I had not been souly responsible for the life inside me it would have been hard for me to adapt as well, but how am I supposed to trust that this relationship will not become a relationship of convenience. I am "protecting my investment", so to speak, and in the process I have made some hard decisions. I neither appologize nor regret the choices I have made, but that doesn't make the backlash any sweeter.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

James 1:2-3